Rays of Sunshine

I still feel like I have more bad days than good days with my little man and his naughty sleeping habits, so some rays of sunshine (a.k.a. cute pics of/moments with the little man) are in order to get me through the day. (today is not shaping up to be a good nap day, and I’m at my wit’s end…)

I’ve been going through his clothes and sorting through things he doesn’t fit anymore and I found this hat that a friend made for him at one of my baby showers – I wish it had been cooler so that he could wear it more! It barely fits him now…
silly ol bear…
He’s finally interested in his play mat! Now I can stick him under there and he’s perfectly content to stare at the dangling toys. Still working on reaching for them, hasn’t quite figured that one out…
Practicing his…planking? Aunt Kirsten and Uncle JoMo would be proud ;)
And drooling…

So is there anyone out there who had or has a baby that spends upwards of 2 hours a night waking up every 20 minutes? What did you do?! John has been sleeping on the floor in front of his swing on binky duty, but I’m really thinking there got to be a better way…Personally, I don’t really want to let him cry it out at night because we’re in an apartment complex and his room shares a wall with our neighbors, and I don’t relish the idea of listening to him cry at all hours of the night (he’s not a self soother…he just gets louder). My research tells me that this whole not-sleeping-through-sleep-cycle-transitions thing will last up to another 2 months. And I’m going to lose it. Any suggestions? Please?

Motherhood isn’t for Sissies

A lot is going through my mind and heart as I think about what I want to write. These last few weeks have been so very difficult, being emotionally and physically exhausting. I have been so tired. I have been sad. I have been lonely. I have been more overwhelmed than I ever thought possible. I’ve been pushed almost beyond my limits more times than I can count. But I hope that in writing this, other new moms will find comfort and empathy for what they might be going through.

For the most part, I think I had a fairly good grasp of what motherhood would be like (you know, for someone with no children). I knew it wouldn’t be all fun and games, sitting around playing with baby all day. I knew I probably wouldn’t sleep much there at the beginning. I knew that it would be hard. But only now do I realize what that truly meant. And I thought my internship at pastry school with its 10-12 hour days was demanding! This is hard!

Nathan’s sleeping has only slightly improved (if at all) and I still spend most of my nights getting up way too often and for too long. And sleep deprivation turns me into a different person. A sad, exhausted, hopeless person. Well meaning friends and acquaintances will say things like “oh, my baby is 6 months/8 months/a year old, and (s)he’s still not sleeping through the night”. While I suppose misery loves company, all I really hear is that I might have to live like this for up to another 8 1/2 months and I try not to give in to my sleep-deprived despair. 

And then there is everything else besides the sleeping! Making sure he’s getting enough to eat, getting enough playtime, enough interaction. Wondering if I’m completely messing up my child when we have a horrible nap day. Feeling like I can’t leave the apartment because it will mess up his schedule. Hearing other moms talk about how fun it is for them to be a mom or telling me to “enjoy every moment” and thinking something is wrong with me for struggling so much. Feeling awful every time I just get frustrated. Wishing that I could have more than 30 minutes to myself during the day to actually get something done, whether it be something for fun, or getting dinner on the table. Worrying about everything, from the temperature of his room at night (too hot?! too cold?!) to if he’s going to get sick after his shots at the doctor. Thinking I’ll never get out of ‘survival’ mode. Second guessing myself on well, everything.  Feeling like I’m failing. Wondering how on earth Heavenly Father could have ever trusted me enough to raise this little man.

And yet, I’m learning so much. I’m being stretched and pulled, and as a result, I’m growing. Every day is a new day. And in the midst of all the craziness, I get little rays of sunshine like this:
Or this:

I’m realizing that Nathan loves me anyway, despite all my imperfections. I thought I knew what love was when I found John. But my capacity to love has increased more than I could have imagined, for both John and Nathan. And as difficult as it is for me, I’m learning to let things go a little (laundry/dinner/etc.). Because they are little things in comparison to what I can do with/for Nathan. It’s still hard, and I think it will always be hard. There will be more rough days, more sleepless nights. But sometimes as I watch my little man sleep or when I snuggle him in my arms or see his whole face light up in a smile when he sees me, I feel a sense of wonder that he’s mine. That I am a mother. That I am his mother. It is the greatest undertaking I will ever make.

The Sleep Saga Part 2

Nathan must have gotten on the computer and read my first sleep post when I wasn’t looking because he then decided to put us through the sleep-deprived-week-from-Hades. Remember how I said nights were totally covered? Well, that was not the case this week.

I won’t go into too much detail, but at the very least I spent 3 nights this past week being up for 3 hours straight in the middle of the night. John spent a couple of nights holding Nathan while he screamed and screamed because he would not sleep. This is in addition to the failed naps during the day. We were at the end of our line. I was barely holding it together. I think I cried more in this one week from sleep deprivation/frustration than I did from hormones during those first six weeks postpartum. There were moments when I just wanted to throw in the towel and quit. It was bad.

In the middle of all this, we decided to start sleep training. Looking back on this past week now, that probably wasn’t the smartest idea, being massively sleep deprived and all. But we did, and that’s that. We were (quite literally) stumbling around in the dark – doing research, choosing an approach and trying to put it into practice with an extremely unwilling participant.

I did manage to find some really good resources though. I stumbled across a website called mybabysleepguide.com and it has tons of information and recommendations on sleep training. So if there are any of my new mom friends who are looking for some direction in that area, I highly recommend giving the site a look. I also purchased Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, as that was recommended to me more than any other book. Though I can’t really tell you anything about it yet…I got it yesterday. ;)

So here’s the situation.

• Nathan totally sleeps in his swing
• He’s been sleeping in our room
• He hasn’t really had a solid schedule (apart from eating every 4 hours)
• His sleep cycles have developed and changed, and he cannot stay asleep during the transitions from deep sleep to REM sleep (he twitches, and moves around like crazy, thus waking himself up)
• We had to rock him to sleep, which would take up to 40 minutes before he was asleep enough to transfer him to the swing
• He has a hard time putting himself back to sleep, which results in very short naps, which then makes him overtired and trying to make up for the lost sleep is almost impossible between the screaming and the fact that I was losing my mind.

What we would like to happen:

• Sleep in his crib
• Put himself to sleep, with as little help as possible
• Sleep in his room
• Have a solid, consistent daily schedule
• Have pre-nap/bedtime routines
• Take good, long, restorative naps

So what did we do? We tried to get him to nap/sleep in his crib. Long story short? It. was. not. happening. We’d have fluke successes when he was just so exhausted that he just passed out. But it would only be for 30 minutes, max. The rest of the day he’d spend screaming because he was so tired. And he was almost completely inconsolable, even when held, which hasn’t really happened to us before, so it was really hard for me to hold my screaming baby, and it seemed there was nothing I could do to calm him down. I feel so bad for parents with colicky babies. That has to be the hardest thing ever.

The problem for me is that even though I found all these great resources on sleep training, I felt like I was mentally wading through too much information and I didn’t know what to do with it. And as a result, we realized that we were asking too much of our sweet little boy. 3 months might generally be a good time to sleep train, but that doesn’t means it’s the right time for our baby. We were asking him to conform to a schedule, sleep in a new room, sleep in a crib, and go to sleep on his own. All at once. And it is just too much on our little man. And on us, really.

So we are taking a step back and simplifying things. Taking stock of our priorities in this sleep training business. Taking baby steps. Until he is able to sleep better through transitions in his sleep cycles (this is a developmental thing, it will happen), he will sleep in his swing. But he will be sleeping in his room. We bought a fancypants video monitor, and it’s been great. We decided to pay more money for a video monitor, because Nathan is so noisy when he sleeps. We needed to be able to see if he is just being noisy, or is really awake before we make the trip into his room. We are slowly working him into a schedule, with consistent wake times and nap times each day. We have established a pre-nap/bedtime routine, complete with stories and snuggles. And he falls asleep on his own in the swing, but he gets a little help when he needs it during his sleep cycle transitions.

The last two nights have actually been quite successful, and the napping is getting better. It’s so nice to have my happy boy back. We will revisit the crib, but in a little while. The more I think about it, the more I feel that this is what is best for our little family. Wish us luck!

3 Months!

Where does the time go?! I’m thinking it’s off somewhere with my sleep… ;)

And since it’s become somewhat of a tradition now, the outtakes! (I had sooo many favorites this round!)

“Check out my ninja skills! Hiiii-YAH!”
“Why no, I don’t know where the ‘S’ went, why do you ask?”
“Ahhh, to ponder life’s greatest mysteries. Like ‘why must I nap, anyway?’”
“Oh no you did NOT just take my binky! Give it back, foo!”
“What do you mean, ‘you’re tired’? Didn’t you have fun staying up all last night? I sure did!”
“Aren’t you excited to do it again?!”
(In a British accent)
“Excuse me. Yes, you, photographer. I believe we discussed this last month. We are not wearing the numbers”
“So why am I again wearing the number?”
“Quick break for exercise! Gimme 50 baby leg lifts, GO! Feeeel the burn!”
Can you even stand the cuteness? I mean really. It never ends! ;) More cuteness to finish up!
Given how much he loves to suck on his fingers, I’m surprised I only ended up with a few pictures of it.
This face was purely accidental. I love it.
We got some great pictures of tummy time! (he likes it a little better these days)
Almost made it over in this picture. He had done it right before I took this one, so I think he was trying again. Got a little stuck on that arm though…
Love you little man!

The Sleep Saga

Or in other words, the reasons I’m going insane ;)

Now, don’t worry, I have good news to report as well as the reasons I might not be coherent next time you see me. Because really, keeping things in perspective, it really isn’t that bad. But still. I might go crazy.

Let me explain. No. There is too much. Let me sum up.

;)

So. Nathan has wild and crazy arms. They remain wild and crazy in his sleep. Now I have become quite the expert swaddler and up until a couple of weeks ago, that has been enough. But Nathan is getting bigger. And stronger. And better at escaping his swaddle than I am at swaddling him up. Which means his arms were escaping and waking him (and us) up at night every. two. hours. And we’d have to reswaddle him every time. I was starting to get desperate.

After getting some recommendations on sleep sacks from friends, I decided on the woombie. What is a woombie, you ask? Basically, it’s a little baby straight jacket. And it comes with models that have legs, to allow us to buckle Nathan up in his swing at night. And it’s AWESOME. (It better be, too. It was not cheap. But again, I was desperate)

We’ve only used it a couple of nights now, and we’re getting 6-8 hours straight. Like I said, AWESOME. Unfortunately, it only came in this weird blue giraffe pattern…(it was that or pink giraffe) *This is Nathan blowing spit bubbles…a new favorite pastime…*

Fun, huh? It’s niiiiice and snug, and with the zipper and a onesie-like neckline…

There is NO escaping. Mwa ha ha haaa!! Nathan seems to like it too, which is a plus. It’s also really nice to not worry about reswaddling him all the time at night. And there is no worrying about blankets getting up in his face and becoming a safety risk (which happened a lot with the swaddle blankets). Peace of mind AND sleep. Bonus. Ahhhh…

So nighttime is now pretty much covered. Hallelujah! Daytime is a very different story.

This boy will not take naps. Even in his swing and his new woombie. I’m lucky to get an hour at a time. It’s usually closer to half and hour. I can barely shower and get dressed in the morning with that kind of time. The only way I get longer than an hour is if I hold him.

The whole time.

My arm is cramping up just thinking about it.

On Tuesday he went from 11am to 8:30pm solely on power naps (15-20min each). I think he got a total of an hour of sleep that whole time. The crazy thing is that he was happy almost the entire time he was awake. We’re continuing in a similar pattern this week, but he’s getting crankier during his waking moments because he’s so tired!!

BUT HE WON’T STAY ASLEEP! Someone please tell me they’ve had a kid who did this. And that it’s just a phase. And that he’ll grow out of it. Like, tomorrow.

Please? ;)

And so between skirmishes in the sleep war, I get nothing done and no ‘Me’ time. And I’m starting to feel like I’m going a little crazy.

Help.