And at long last, a happy sort-of-ending!
In spite of our best intentions, the plan I talked about last time was not really getting any of us the sleep we needed. We were still constantly getting up in the night, because Nathan would wake up and want his binky almost every 20 minutes for a couple of hours on some nights. It was getting out of hand.
Then when we came back from my parent’s house after Labor Day weekend, Nathan woke up every 45 minutes. All night. Something HAD to be done. Remember when I said I’d ordered the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child? Well, I’d never had a chance to read it. I finally started working my way through it, snatching moments to read while nursing and during those very short naps. I’m a pretty quick reader though, so I made it through the most relevant parts (I don’t need to read about preschool-age kids yet) in about 2 days.
And still, I didn’t know what to do.
When John and I talked about it, we realized the main problem was that Nathan did not know how to put himself to sleep - or fall back to sleep if he woke up - on his own. But he soothes himself during his waketime by sucking on his fingers. So we thought that maybe we should let him have one hand available to suck on his fingers to soothe himself back to sleep at night. But after putting him in his sleeper and a half swaddle with one arm free, it only took about 15 minutes for us both to know that Nathan was just not ready for that kind of freedom. (wild arms, remember? that’s why we got the woombie in the first place)
And so we put him back in his woombie and put him back into his swing. And I made one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make since becoming a mom.
I let him cry.
One of the cry-it-out methods in the Healthy Sleep Habits book is called Controlled Crying, which basically involves letting them cry for 5 minutes, then going in and soothing them until they are calm again, and then leaving. Then, if they start to cry again, you wait 10 minutes, then repeat the process, adding on 5 minutes to each crying spell until they fall asleep. Another variation of this is to cap off the length of time you let them cry, and then adding 5 minutes to that after 2 days. That’s what I did. The longest I let him cry was 10 minutes at a time. And wow, 10 minutes is a long time. So we’d start with 5 minutes, and then we’d go 10 minutes until he stopped crying and fell asleep. Leaving after helping him calm down was the hardest, because Nathan would watch me leave…and start to cry. And I started the clock. According to the book, it takes anywhere from 4-9 days for success. Oof.
That first night it took 1 5min cry and 2 10min cries to go to sleep for the night. And when he finally fell asleep, I cried a little myself. John took night duty that night, taking the monitor out with him into the living room and closing our door so that I couldn’t hear Nathan and could try to get some sleep.
The following day (the first full day on this method) was the hardest. Nathan was already exhausted from his crying spells overnight, so even though I would put him down for a nap early, it still took 30-40 minutes of crying before he fell asleep. And then he’d still wake himself up after 30-40 minutes of sleeping. And he would cry some more. I kept him in his swing for the intended duration of the nap, whether or not he was sleeping. My consolation during the day was that Nathan would still smile at me when the naptime was over. Thank goodness, for me that told me that he didn’t hate me for letting him cry. But it was still so incredibly difficult to get through that day. There was so much sadness. Nathan cried through his entire 3rd nap (granted, it’s usually only about 45 minutes, but hey, 45 minutes of crying at intervals is a really long time). I couldn’t get anything done. I couldn’t think straight with all the crying. I would huddle in my bedroom, close the door and stare at the monitor.
By bedtime, he was completely wiped out. But because he was so exhausted, he was out like a light before I even closed his door; he had no more energy to cry (thank heavens!). And I was completely emotionally wrung out. John stayed with him that evening and I left to get out of the apartment and recharge a little bit. I walked around Hobby Lobby for a little while, and – because I could – I went to DSW next door and tried on shoes for a half hour. I also was able to get some grocery shopping done. And I bought ice cream. Caramel swirl with caramel cups. It was an ice cream kind of day. And I tried to brace myself for night/day 2.
That second night was better. He was still waking up more often than he needed to, but he’d only fuss/cry for about 5 minutes before going back to sleep. On his own!
It was with great trepidation that I started day 2, but Nathan was all smiles that morning! He had definitely gotten more sleep the night before. When the time came, I nervously put Nathan down for his morning nap. To my utter astonishment, he fell asleep within 10 minutes. WITHOUT CRYING! I was stunned!
And even when he woke himself up too early, he’d wiggle for a few minutes, and then go back to sleep! WITHOUT CRYING! I didn’t expect this much progress on day 2! It was a little miracle for me. The rest of his napping went just as well (with just a little bit of crying with the 3rd nap)! I couldn’t believe it! Our first great nap day in over a month.
I’d like to say that it has been smooth sailing since then. But it hasn’t. We’ve hit some more bumps in the road. More sadness. More self doubt. More uncertainty. John and I slacked off after a couple of days on letting Nathan cry for at least 5 minutes before going in to soothe him and Nathan capitalized on that and we were back to lots of night wakings. We recommitted ourselves and we’re back to better nights. Nathan has made incredible progress. (Naps during the day are still a little tricky, but we have made some progress there too) We can put him down while he’s still awake and he falls asleep on his own. When he wakes up in the night now (and not hungry yet) he fusses for a few minutes, then goes back to sleep! It’s amazing! I’m hoping that in a few days he won’t even make noise when he wakes up and go right back to sleep. (Because he still wakes me up with his fussing – but hey, I don’t have to get up and do anything) He goes to bed between 6:45 and 7:15pm, depending on when his 3rd nap ended, and falls asleep within 10 minutes max. He eats between 3 and 4am and then gets up for the day around 7:30! We are just so proud of him and we have hardly any sadness anymore.
Deciding to let him cry was incredibly difficult for me. John had said from the beginning that he would be okay with it, but I’m so grateful to him for not pressuring me to do it and for waiting for me to be willing to give it a try. Because I didn’t want to be one of ‘those moms’. I didn’t want to face judgment from my fellow moms or even family members. I didn’t want him to cry. It called back to my mind all those hormonal days just after having Nathan when I just couldn’t handle it when he cried. It made me so sad. But when I finally made the decision, it felt right. I didn’t want to do it, but felt that we needed to. And I’m learning that being a parent will sometimes mean saying no, or letting your child face the consequences of their actions and being sad.
Or letting them cry. Even when it hurts you as the mom.
But to keep myself going that loooooong first day, I had to remind myself that a little bit of sadness (in the big picture) was worth all the happiness and well-rested-ness we would get as a result. I feel like a new person these days with more sleep. It’s amazing! And Nathan is so much happier and engaging when he has had a good night’s sleep. And that makes it all worth it.
And now, some cuteness ;)
