On Being Quiet

I recently finished a book recommended to me by my Dad called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, by Susan Cain. Really good read! I found it especially fascinating because, well…

I’m an introvert.

This probably doesn’t surprise most of you. Or maybe it does. If you know me better in person, it most likely doesn’t surprise you. But if you know me primarily through this blog, then it just might (because really, can an introvert be so stinkin’ hilarious? We’ll see).

Before I go any further though, I just want to clarify that I, like the author, don’t really believe that everyone can be sorted into two categories (in this case, introverts and extroverts). The human personality is so very complex and influenced by so many different factors, that it kind of amazes me that behavioral and personality psychologists have been able to discover what they have. But I do believe that we each tend to lean more toward one type or the other, like on a spectrum, but at the same time we can have moments or experiences in which we react in a way that can be contrary to our “typical” nature.

When I was younger, I used to equate being introverted with being awkward, antisocial and weird. (Turns out being introverted has nothing to do with being weird, I’m just weird anyway!) I’ve always been a little quieter in social situations, I don’t really enjoy being in large groups (especially of people I don’t know), and I routinely experience mild anxiety in the face of the unknown and new experiences. Like meeting new people. I’m still not sure how I survived being a military brat.

But because of this misconception, I felt like there was something inherently wrong with me because I’m introverted. “You are never going to make friends if you can’t be outgoing!” “Why on earth should you prefer to be alone?!” “You are so awkward” “You really need to learn how to put yourself out there” “You should be bolder, more assertive!” were the thoughts that plagued my self-esteem. Those feelings have faded since becoming an adult – because I think everyone deals with self-esteem issues at some point or another, whether you are an introvert or an extrovert, but every once in a while, those feelings resurface and I wonder if there is something wrong with me. But what I really liked about the book was that it reinforced what I’ve learned over the years about being introverted and passionately argues that it is perfectly okay to be an introvert.

Unfortunately (for people like me), we live in a society that embraces what Cain calls the “Extrovert Ideal”. Today’s society values the outgoing, the talkative, the bold, the assertive, the go-getters, the ‘works-well-with-others’, the magnetic personalities, the charismatic. Or in other words, the qualities found naturally in extroverts. From the workplace to the dating scene to the classroom and even to church, this Extrovert Ideal is present. But is that really a good thing? Cain argues that we lose something by overlooking the introverts. I actually started listening to this book on CD with my Mom (an extrovert), who was listening to it at the request of my Dad (an introvert) before my name finally made it to the top of the waiting list for the book at my local library. My brother listened to a little bit as well – mostly because he was in the car with us and didn’t really have a choice, though he did fall asleep a little while later – and seemed a little miffed by Cain’s description of the Extrovert Ideal. He seemed to think the she was all about ‘power to the introverts’ or that introverts were the better people. I think this was because, though he might not realize it (because he’s in that I-just-got-home-from-my-mission-and-I’m-readjusting phase), but he is exponentially more extroverted than I am. But I don’t think that was Cain’s intent at all. I think she is pleading for balance. We need to value both types. Cain asserts that you’d be surprised by how many people you might know that would identify themselves as introverts, because they have learned to fake it in a world that wants them to be sociable and gregarious. So what is an introvert to do?

Being introverted explains why I clam up in group settings, especially with new people. It explains why I feel like the world’s worst conversationalist because I don’t like (because I ultimately don’t really know how) to make small talk. Only once I have had the chance to meet every member of a given group on a one-on-one basis (or on a more personal level) do I start to feel comfortable opening up when we’re all together. It explains why going to social functions, such as Relief Society activities, alone (as in, without John) stresses me out, because I don’t know if I’m going to have someone I already know and feel comfortable with to talk to. When John is with me, I feel much less anxiety, because he is my social anchor. I know I’ll always have someone to talk to when he is with me. There have been Relief Society activities at which I have wandered around the church building, perpetually pretending that I’m on my way to the bathroom, until I find someone I can sit with and not feel completely lost in the din of small talk conversation. And those times I don’t ever find anyone? I usually end up sitting down at a table where I don’t know anyone there and I clam up because I just don’t know what to say. Part of that is because introverts are generally easily overstimulated. For me, I often feel overstimulated in such situations because 1) I’m dealing with new people, 2) I’m trying to read social cues, 3) I’m trying (and usually failing) to come up with something interesting to say or ask and 4) the sheer amount of people can create quite a bit of noise, depending on the type of social setting I’m in. That’s a lot going on for an introvert! I usually come home from such events exhausted not only by the stimuli, but from the effort to ‘survive’ in a setting where people are expected to be more extroverted. So we’ll see how I do in the new ward… But this doesn’t mean that my company/personality is lacking, it just means I need a different kind of social setting to thrive.

Being introverted can also explain my fear of public speaking, and more particularly, of improvisational public speaking. Being a member of the church has been great to get better practice at public speaking with all those talks and lessons we are asked to give, but it remains one of my greatest fears that I’ll get called up impromptu to bear my testimony in sacrament meeting. (I don’t care if it’s inspired; I still consider it a horrible fate) I get butterflies in my stomach at the thought of making a comment in Sunday School! I still remember a summer in high school when my brother and I were called up on the spot to tell of our adventures on a pioneer trek we had just completed and to bear our testimonies. My dad was in the branch presidency at the time and had warned me in advance that we would probably be asked to speak on it, but did not know we’d be called up spontaneously that particular Sunday – we’d just gotten back! I went first and, palms sweating, stumbled through a brief summary of a few experiences from Trek and a weak-sounding testimony. I made my way back to my seat, my face burning. I knew my delivery had been awful, and I could see sympathy in my Mom’s face as I sat down. I felt worse after hearing my (extroverted) brother’s remarkably well put together and yes, improvised presentation of his experiences. I remember hoping that people would forget that I had gotten up to say anything at all. I have always envied my brother’s stage presence and his ability to think quickly like that. But my fear of public speaking doesn’t mean that I don’t have anything worthwhile to say – it just means I need more time to prepare so that I’m more comfortable being in front of people. This way, both I and my audience benefit. My audience gets much more out of what I have to say, and I don’t feel like an idiot.

But introversion also explains my focus and persistence in certain areas of my life. I love to read and have a really hard time putting down a good book. As a result, I can read extremely quickly and retain a large percentage of the information, considering the pace at which I absorb it in my quick reading (I read Quiet in just a couple of hours, if that). I have also always liked to make things with my hands. I think that’s why I enjoy cake and cookie decorating, as well as making crafts. I have always been like this. Even as a child I remember pulling fabric scraps out of my Mom’s craft room and making little stuffed animals or dolls. But other children my age thought that was, well, kind of weird (I know because they told me so on occasion). But as an adult, people are astonished and impressed with that focus and persistence when I show them cookies or crafts that I have done with designs or details that require a lot of time, persistence and effort. This focus also translates into my personal life. I think it safe to say that I am very devoted to my husband and our relationship as well as my religious beliefs - but like anyone else, I can always be better in these areas.

Introversion can also explain why I love blogging. Introverts often find that they express themselves better in writing and for me, this is certainly the case. This doesn’t mean I think I’m an amazing writer, it really just means I feel that I can be more myself when I write about things that matter to me. It allows me the time to really think about what I want to say, how I want to say it and I can go back and edit or erase what I’ve written before I let anyone else see it. Social situations don’t come with the delete button, which is why I think so many introverts can be afraid to speak up – there’s no time to really think about what to say, how to say it and in a moment of panic, you can’t take back a verbal/social blunder! When I’m blogging, I’m not worrying about studying the social cues of my readers, I don’t have to worry about whether they think what I’m saying is interesting – because hey, no one is making you read this – and as it turns out, I can be really funny! This continues to be a source of delight to me because I can’t even count how many times growing up that I was told that I was boring or ‘no fun’ by my peers. But as I’ve become more comfortable in my little bloggy bubble, I’ve found that I can actually make people laugh! And for me, that’s kind of empowering. Over the months and years that I have been blogging, that has translated into a kind of courage to try to be funny in ‘real life’ and to my surprise, I can be funny in real life too! (Um…most of the time…)

I highly recommend this book to anyone and everyone (and no one is paying me to say that). As Cain points out at the beginning of Quiet, at least one third to one half of Americans are introverts. So that means chances are you are one, you grew up with one, you are friends with one, you work with one or you are married to one. And I think that this Extrovert Ideal is a very real concept, and that when we as a society can learn to accept the quiet (and sometimes quirky) gifts of introverts, everyone stands to benefit. Not only do society, businesses and classrooms need both introverts and extroverts, but that introverts and extroverts need each other. Each has qualities that can complement the other. But obviously, Cain’s focus is on empowering the introvert, because while their strengths are quieter, they are no less important.